Listen up, people. The past tense of the verb "to shit" is "shat". I shat, you shat, he/she/it shat, we shat, you shat, they shat. Who shat in the hat? I was about to shit on your carpet, but then I realized someone already shat on it.
The basic shit:
Infinitive: to shit
Present Tense:
I shit we shit
you shit you shit
he shits they shit
Past Tense:
I shat we shat
you shat you shat
he shat they shat
Future Tense
I will shit we will shit
you will shit you will shit
he will shit they will shit
Present Participle: shitting
I'm done with this shit.
22 May 2007
20 May 2007
An Apostrophe by Any Other Name
I don't understand how people can think that they can use an apostrophe to make things plural. HOW!? Where did they learn this? "Tomato's" are not tomatoes. An apostrophe is used to show possession or to make a contraction. THAT IS ALL. Never, ever use an apostrophe to make things plural. That shit is obnoxious and it makes the user look like a gaylord.
19 May 2007
16 May 2007
The Office
So today on Rock 107 (the station that is actually FM 106.9) I was listening to the best morning show ever, the Daniels and Webster Morning Show (fuck off, Jenn and A.J.), and they said that 2 actors from The Office would be coming to Scranton this Saturday. Sweet. Cause, you, know, in the words of Michael, "Ain't no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don't stop."
The best-sounding thing is the shindig on top of the Medallion Parking garage. Nice.
The best-sounding thing is the shindig on top of the Medallion Parking garage. Nice.
15 May 2007
13 May 2007
Paranoia Man
I can't eat sugar, because I will get diabetes.
I can't drink diet soda, because I will get cancer.
I can't feed my pets table food, because they will get fat.
I can't feed my pets pet food, because it's poisoned.
I can't talk on my cell phone because the radiation will give me brain cancer.
I can't talk on my regular phone because there might be a lightning storm somewhere.
I can't let my kids play inside all day because they won't get enough exercise.
I can't let my kids play outside all day because they will get abducted.
I can't let my mother-in-law live alone anymore because she is senile.
I can't let my mother-in-law live in a nursing home because she will get assaulted.
I can't let my family and I miss church because we will go to hell.
I can't take my family to church because my kids will get molested.
I can't drive over 35m.p.h. on a wet road because I might hydroplane.
I can't drive under 35m.p.h. on a wet road because that jerk in the diesel truck who is tailgating me and flashing his lights will run me off the road.
I can't have unprotected sex because I will get someone pregnant.
I can't have sex using a condom because it will break and I will get someone pregnant.
I can't vote for someone who is pro-choice because I am Catholic.
I can't vote for someone who is pro-life because those nuts are the ones blowing up abortion clinics.
I can't sign up for unemployment, because I will be deemed lazy by society.
I can't get a job because then my tax money will go to those on unemployment.
I can't let my kids play with fake guns because they will become too violent.
I can't let my kids play with real guns because they will shoot their friend in the face by accident.
I can't ride my bike on the road because I will get hit by a car.
I can't ride my bike on the sidewalk because I will almost hit a person and then get sued.
I can't go near the birds anymore because I might get bird-flu.
I might as well stay home.
I can't drink diet soda, because I will get cancer.
I can't feed my pets table food, because they will get fat.
I can't feed my pets pet food, because it's poisoned.
I can't talk on my cell phone because the radiation will give me brain cancer.
I can't talk on my regular phone because there might be a lightning storm somewhere.
I can't let my kids play inside all day because they won't get enough exercise.
I can't let my kids play outside all day because they will get abducted.
I can't let my mother-in-law live alone anymore because she is senile.
I can't let my mother-in-law live in a nursing home because she will get assaulted.
I can't let my family and I miss church because we will go to hell.
I can't take my family to church because my kids will get molested.
I can't drive over 35m.p.h. on a wet road because I might hydroplane.
I can't drive under 35m.p.h. on a wet road because that jerk in the diesel truck who is tailgating me and flashing his lights will run me off the road.
I can't have unprotected sex because I will get someone pregnant.
I can't have sex using a condom because it will break and I will get someone pregnant.
I can't vote for someone who is pro-choice because I am Catholic.
I can't vote for someone who is pro-life because those nuts are the ones blowing up abortion clinics.
I can't sign up for unemployment, because I will be deemed lazy by society.
I can't get a job because then my tax money will go to those on unemployment.
I can't let my kids play with fake guns because they will become too violent.
I can't let my kids play with real guns because they will shoot their friend in the face by accident.
I can't ride my bike on the road because I will get hit by a car.
I can't ride my bike on the sidewalk because I will almost hit a person and then get sued.
I can't go near the birds anymore because I might get bird-flu.
I might as well stay home.
10 May 2007
The Musings of Ezekiel, Part I
Sometimes at night I am afraid to dangle my feet over my bed because there is the inherent danger that monsters may nibble at my toes.
If given a choice between eating one live tarantula and one apple pie, I'd pick the apple pie. Unless it was laced with cyanide. Then I'd go with the tarantula. But I'd dip it in some ranch dressing.
Sometimes, when I see someone with a large bump in the middle of his noise, I kind of want to smash it with a hammer.
The Drew Carey Show, I believe, has stolen many jokes from me over the years. I think they have some sort of mind-reading device.
By the way, has ever noticed that the chubby girl from All That on Snick, who played Lorrie Beth in that segment called "Vital Information for Your Everyday Lives" plays a student on the Steve Harvey Show. And has anyone further noticed that The Steve Harvey Show isn't really funny, like, at all? Oh and plus that girl was also a cheerleader in some movie, and she ended up crushing someone to death. I think it was The Replacements, but I could be wrong.
Speaking of dangling feet, does anyone remember how to uh, ...- diagram? is that the word?- Diagram a dangling participle?
That last thought reminded me how much it pisses me off when people called a dash a slash.
Everyone except old people and single moms wants plastic bags at the grocery store.
If given a choice between eating one live tarantula and one apple pie, I'd pick the apple pie. Unless it was laced with cyanide. Then I'd go with the tarantula. But I'd dip it in some ranch dressing.
Sometimes, when I see someone with a large bump in the middle of his noise, I kind of want to smash it with a hammer.
The Drew Carey Show, I believe, has stolen many jokes from me over the years. I think they have some sort of mind-reading device.
By the way, has ever noticed that the chubby girl from All That on Snick, who played Lorrie Beth in that segment called "Vital Information for Your Everyday Lives" plays a student on the Steve Harvey Show. And has anyone further noticed that The Steve Harvey Show isn't really funny, like, at all? Oh and plus that girl was also a cheerleader in some movie, and she ended up crushing someone to death. I think it was The Replacements, but I could be wrong.
Speaking of dangling feet, does anyone remember how to uh, ...- diagram? is that the word?- Diagram a dangling participle?
That last thought reminded me how much it pisses me off when people called a dash a slash.
Everyone except old people and single moms wants plastic bags at the grocery store.
09 May 2007
Joey
Today my dear, old friend Joey will be writing a guest post.
Yo, this is Joey. Wat's up? Today I saw some dame tryin' ta back outta a parkin' spot at the mall an' she was drivin' some kinda S.U.V. I rolled down my winda and I says ta her, "Hey Lady, are ya fuckin' retahded? Wat's a gal like you drivin' a fuckin' monsta truck for?" But she kinda ignored me or somethin'. Whateva. Ya got any beer?
Yo, this is Joey. Wat's up? Today I saw some dame tryin' ta back outta a parkin' spot at the mall an' she was drivin' some kinda S.U.V. I rolled down my winda and I says ta her, "Hey Lady, are ya fuckin' retahded? Wat's a gal like you drivin' a fuckin' monsta truck for?" But she kinda ignored me or somethin'. Whateva. Ya got any beer?
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