If I Called the Shots

You know, I was thinking. A lot of things piss me off. I mean a lot. Every day, a little more of my faith in humanity is lost. You want to fuck with these people so bad, but since they're assholes, they'll probably sue you. So what can one do? Well, since we apparently still live in a democratic society, I urge you to write to your respective congressmen to consider the following laws.

* The Crowbar Statute
You know that asshole that just parked his Hummer in four different parking spots? This law would allow you to take a crowbar and smash the shit out of his 8 MPG power trip. Also, you can soot out the tires.

* Obnoxious Fat Women Law
This law would allow you to- yep, you guessed it- beat the shit out of those obnoxious fat girls with a fucking crowbar. Is anyone else sick of sitting at Sheetz at midnight and having to watch some loud, fat girl, who is wearing a fucking mid-drift for Christ's sake, come out complaining about her food.

* The Annoying Drummer Decision
Those people who just have to drum all the frigging time? A swift kick to the throat. Also, you can break their wrists.

* The Fast Food Edict
Tired of those pricks in the McDonalds' who complain that their food isn't just right? I know how it is, I used to work in Wendy's back in the day. Well, if this bill is passed in congress, the next time you encounter this situation, you would be legally fucking obligated to give the guy a swirly in the deep-fryer. Just send out one or two employees, because the guy is probably some fat-ass, business cocksucker with stubby little fingers, and have them drag him into the back and stick his fucking neck-less head into the boiling oil. Dip it up and down a few times. Then ask him if his food is OK.

* Runners' Rights
Ever been on a run and some cunt yells something at you from his car? This especially pisses me off if it's some fat cunt yelling from her SUV for you to "get off the road". This would guarantee all runners the right to rip this schmuck out of his car, throw him to the ground, and curb-stomp the shit out of him.

* Narcissus Directive
Aren't you tired of these idiots walking out of a tanning salon complaining that they got burned? Or that they've developed melanoma? Next time someone says "Oh, how I wish I was tan.", you would legally be allowed to lock this fuckbag in a tanning bed for eight hours. Then we'll see who wants to go tanning, motherfucker.

* The Emo Principle
Anyone who wants to be emo, or claims to be so will be taken out back, tied to a chair, and kicked in the head by a horse. Plain and simple. You want to be miserable all the time? I'll give you something to be fucking miserable about.