Paranoia Man

I can't eat sugar, because I will get diabetes.
I can't drink diet soda, because I will get cancer.

I can't feed my pets table food, because they will get fat.
I can't feed my pets pet food, because it's poisoned.

I can't talk on my cell phone because the radiation will give me brain cancer.
I can't talk on my regular phone because there might be a lightning storm somewhere.

I can't let my kids play inside all day because they won't get enough exercise.
I can't let my kids play outside all day because they will get abducted.

I can't let my mother-in-law live alone anymore because she is senile.
I can't let my mother-in-law live in a nursing home because she will get assaulted.

I can't let my family and I miss church because we will go to hell.
I can't take my family to church because my kids will get molested.

I can't drive over 35m.p.h. on a wet road because I might hydroplane.
I can't drive under 35m.p.h. on a wet road because that jerk in the diesel truck who is tailgating me and flashing his lights will run me off the road.

I can't have unprotected sex because I will get someone pregnant.
I can't have sex using a condom because it will break and I will get someone pregnant.

I can't vote for someone who is pro-choice because I am Catholic.
I can't vote for someone who is pro-life because those nuts are the ones blowing up abortion clinics.

I can't sign up for unemployment, because I will be deemed lazy by society.
I can't get a job because then my tax money will go to those on unemployment.

I can't let my kids play with fake guns because they will become too violent.
I can't let my kids play with real guns because they will shoot their friend in the face by accident.

I can't ride my bike on the road because I will get hit by a car.
I can't ride my bike on the sidewalk because I will almost hit a person and then get sued.

I can't go near the birds anymore because I might get bird-flu.
I might as well stay home.